What it looks like when you have trouble trusting

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We’ve all been lied to.

We’ve all lied.

Maybe it’s the white lie you tell your friend when she gets a new haircut cause you don’t want to hurt her feelings. Or a CYA (cover your a$&) type of lie cause telling the truth could cost you time, money, status, or more.

Your parents told you everything was fine but really they were struggling to make ends meet but didn’t want to worry you. When you found out you understood but deep down you wished they would’ve shared that even though everything wasn’t okay it would be.

When you lie don’t you believe your reasons are justified? I genuinely believe that most people aren’t trying to hurt someone, usually, it’s more about protection. Of ourselves or of them.

But when we’re lied to we still feel a sense of betrayal. Even when you know why & you believe she didn’t mean any harm, it can still feel crappy.

Learning to trust others isn’t easy but do you even know you’re struggling to trust again?


1) You Avoid getting attached to people

Who hasn’t experienced the pain of your closest friend suddenly moving, you & your first love going to different colleges, or some other event that shook your sense of trust & security?

When you don’t know how to process the pain from that betrayal or loss, you decide it’s safest to keep your relationships, platonic or intimate, loose or fun.

That way you won’t get hurt…right?

2) letting others take charge isn’t happening

There are times when you know you have the experience to take the lead. Why let someone else do what you already know how to do well?

But what happens when your need to be in control stops others from shining or gaining their own experience?

There’s a lot of pressure that comes from always needing to be in control. Where is there space for other people to show up as their true selves? When do you get a break?

3) are you private or hiding?

I’m a private person. I always have been & I always will be. But I know that some of that comes from my past when “friends” shared details of private conversations with other people. In order to feel safe, I became excellent at keeping my deepest thoughts to myself. Until I learned how to figure out who deserved my trust.

Being able to open up & share with others is a major step in living with courage & self-confidence.

4) giving away your trust

Have you ever met someone who seemed to trust you immediately? Not in a way that felt good but clingy or even manipulative?

Psychology says this & many of our trusting tendencies is related to attachment theory, which focuses on how our emotional bonds developed, particularly during childhood.

But when this happens to us, we wonder why she’s giving away her trust so easily?

What is it that she’s in such a hurry to get?

If you find yourself doing this, why are you in such a rush?

5) you feel like a phony

When you show someone your true self & she rejects you, you go into hiding.

You start to think you’re too quirky, weird, loud, quiet, emotional, dramatic, or something else. So you create a persona that people will accept. You smile when you don’ want to or you keep your opinions to yourself because the sting of rejection is seared into your memory.

Even though you want to show your true self, it’s been so long that you’re worried people will think you’re fake.

I spent a lot of years trying to outrun or outsmart vulnerability by making things certain and definite, black and white, good and bad. My inability to lean into the discomfort of vulnerability limited the fullness of those important experiences that are wrought with uncertainty: Love, belonging, trust, joy, and creativity to name a few.
— Brene Brown

After experiencing a betrayal you might think you’re over it but really you’ve unconsciously built up a barrier to keep people at arms length to protect yourself.

Or after being rejected, personally or professionally, you may believe that you need to get people to quickly like you so they can see how amazing you are to avoid being rejected again.

Learning how to trust others in a healthy way means learning how to be vulnerable & that kind of true trust starts with trusting ourselves.

Sign up for the Confidence+Courage Audio Training to finally get the tools you need to unhook from self-doubt & awaken the confident woman within.